The problem of being separated from the person you love is as old as transportation. but 50 years ago, international telephone conversations were out of the question. thirty years ago: no internet. my grandfather proposed it to me by letter, from a two-year posting on an island in the indian ocean, having met my grandmother once. more people than ever are in long-distance relationships (professionals, family, global pandemic), but the experience has changed. We expect immediacy, to know what is happening now.
There is a bittersweet pleasure in missing someone, and joy in reunions and having new stories to share. But so many things can go wrong! calls are missed, messages are analyzed excessively, arguments that could end with a bitter kiss. that gap between what is meant and what can be communicated is a writer’s dream.
You are reading: Best books on long distance relationships
in my novel wild pets, iris, a depressed writer studying in new york, has two transatlantic relationships, one with her boyfriend, ezra, who is on tour with his band, and one with her best friend, nance. they send emails, whatsapp, skype, facetime, share spotify playlists, etc. technology promises a sense of togetherness, but it can’t quench our hunger for physical closeness.
according to the internet, one ldr strategy is to read the same book at the same time and discuss it. I never had the diligence. but the idea of being in an ldr while reading a book about loving at a distance is pleasantly meta. here are my recommendations:
1. Audrey Niffenegger’s time traveler’s wife meets Henry de Tamble, a librarian with a wolfish streak, and Clare Abshire, a visual artist. Henry has a genetic disorder that means he is sucked out of the present and thrown naked through time at random. the novel alternates between their perspectives, so we see how each experiences their love story with different inflections. it’s a rushed longing: henry is always fading, and clare, missing him. but they squeeze the juice out of every moment they have together. the book is almost edible in its descriptions of food, books, punk, sex, and the smell of manuscript paper.
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2. americanah by chimamanda ngozi adichiea study of how plots in love stories can separate and then converge. Ifemelu and Obinze fall in love at Lagos High School. She goes to the United States to study. Obinze tries to follow her, but after 9/11 she can’t get a visa and slips into undocumented life in London. both face an array of different racially charged challenges. their bond is close and this book shows how difficult it is for young people to grow at the same rate in the face of so much change. When something happens to Ifemelu that she can’t share with Obinze (he doesn’t need to know), she stops taking her calls.
3. Sally Rooney’s Beautiful World Where Are You This novel alternates between third-person chapters and an email correspondence between Alice and Ella’s best friend Eileen Ella. as readers, we see what happens and how the girls choose to convey the events to each other, which tells us a lot about one’s own style; what we share and what we choose to retain. I really enjoyed the freedom with which the girls express themselves in writing and the scope of the topics they discuss online compared to their shyness with each other.
4. where the reasons end of yiyun li li vincent’s son committed suicide when he was 16 years old. a series of dialogues between 16-year-old nikolai and her grieving mother, this book is set in “in a world indeterminate in time and space”, “a world made of words and words only”’. that space is the only one where she can keep him and her relationship alive.
5. Ada o Ardor by Vladimir NabokovThis book would reward the diligent study of a couple eager for something to talk about. It is presented as the memoir of Dr Ivan (Van Veen) who is, among other things, a “student of time” who recounts his lifelong love for Ada Veen. It spans 100 years, but is so packed with puns, anagrams, riddles, and references that if you were to develop each allusion to something else, it could span infinite time.
6. maggie nelson’s bluets an avalanche of 240 poetic fragments or what nelson calls “proposals” approaching her ex-lover, “the prince in blue”. The book was written over three years while Nelson was heartbroken and caring for a close friend who was left quadriplegic. it’s like what happens when the relationship ends, but one person keeps talking. It draws on Sei Shōnagon, Buddhist theology, John Berger, Leonard Cohen, and Marguerite Duras, among many other writers, and rarely addresses the prince directly. when he does it it’s devastating: “no 81: what I know: when I met you a blue fever started. I want you to know that I no longer hold you responsible.”
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7. the neapolitan novels of elena ferranteduring the 60 years covered by the four books, lila and lenu (when they speak) exchange modes of communication: letters, phone calls, their almost psychic connection. In the first book, Lenu’s belief in Lila’s brilliance is deepened by Lila’s ability to communicate in writing; Before Lenu becomes a writer, she is Lila’s reader. you get the feeling that she is absorbing lila’s words and reusing them. One summer, Lenu writes an emotional multi-page letter. When Lila finally responds, Lenu is captivated: “I read and I saw it, I heard it.”
8. Paper Palace by Miranda Cowley Hellerelle and Jonas have loved each other since they were children, but she moved out of the country and they both married other people and had children. in a moment of innate connection, burnished by lust, time and distance can (temporarily) disappear. when they meet again it is like a piece of origami: 50 years of daily pleasure, lies and trauma in 24 hours. in one of my favorite moments, they both burst out laughing at a joke made 30 years earlier. Jonas’s wife is not laughing.
9. sermon of fire by jamie quatromaggie, who is married, begins exchanging letters with james, a poet. she falls in love, panics and starts writing letters to god. right at the beginning, maggie says “the surest way to fall in love with someone other than your spouse: imagine the life you could have together after both spouses have passed away”. she captures how much long-distance relationships are based on loving the person you think the other will become, and the willingness to narrate your own love story and persist in imagining their future.
10. love from paddington by michael bondthis book was released in 2014, after the movie, in which paddington writes letters to aunt lucy at the home for retired bears in darkest peru. Contains 15 of these letters, which retell the stories from the original Bond books, including Paddington’s friendship with Mr. Gruber, the antiques dealer, and his attempt to cut off his hair. there is also jam.
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faber publishes wild pets by amber medland. To help the Guardian and the Observer, you can purchase your copy at guardianbookshop.com.
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