This month, in Ask Your Friendly Lesbrarian Neighbor, we’re answering an email question that’s a little different: non-fiction! specifically, non-fiction/self-help books on relationships between queer women:
Hi Casey! My name is Maureen, and as a fan of Autostraddle, I’ve been reading your lists of books featuring queer characters for some time. I was hoping you had something to suggest related to relationship/self-help non-fiction books for gay couples! Ironically, my partner and I both work at Barnes & noble, but I haven’t been able to find much on gay marriage/relationships/etc through our ordering system, or online. I would love to read something without your & their pronouns, you know? anyway, thanks for any suggestions you can give! And by the way, thank you very much for creating your lists; They have helped me give so many suggestions to so many families and individuals! thankfully, maureen
You are reading: Books about lesbian relationships
I think you’re probably not alone in your search for self-help books on queer relationships, maureen. and it is very reasonable to want some self-help relationship without having to mentally change the pronouns and lament that specific issues of relationships between women are not addressed. I definitely had a hard time finding these too, but here are the fruits of my labor: eight non-fiction books on relationships, couples, marriage, and dating by lesbian/queer women!
ask a queer girl: a guide to sex, love and life for girls who like girls by lindsay king-miller
You might be familiar with Lindsay King-Miller’s advice column of the same name as the book that ran in The Hairpin for years. Even if you’ve already gobbled up all that advice, though, you’ve gotta read this book: it’s based on the column but has entirely new content! The self-help in Ask a Queer Chick isn’t all about relationships — King-Miller also discuses other key queer life stuff like getting your first alternative lifestyle haircut and coming out — but she does spend a significant amount of time on relationships and dating, from the very beginnings of finding girls to go on dates with to getting married. Her tone throughout is refreshingly down-to-earth and funny. Bisexual and trans women readers will also appreciate sections that addresses issues specific to them!
conscious lesbian love and dating by ruth schwartz and michelle murrain
See Also: 40 Trashy Novels You Must Read Before You Die
This guidebook, subtitled “A Roadmap to Finding the Right Partner and Creating the Relationship of Your Dreams,” is unique. The main focus for Schwartz and Murrain is mindfulness and conscious decision making in all stages of your relationship, from looking for a partner to creating the kind of relationship that works for both of you as you grow together. They emphasis that building a great relationship is work: work that you can do through being thoughtful and deliberate about the choices you make and the actions you take. Drawing insights from multiple fields — neuroscience, spirituality, and psychology —Schwartz and Murrain also add their own personal experiences. Check out their website, which has additional resources like videos.
lesbian couples: a guide to healthy relationships by d. merilee clunis and g. dorsal green
As far as non-fiction books about lesbian relationships go, Lesbian Couples is a classic: it was first published in 1988, and then reissued in 2004. Although many things have changed, you will probably be surprised at how much is still relevant. Clunis and Green are two lesbian therapists with decades of experience, which they put to use in the book covering an impressively broad array of topics. It makes an effort to highlight intersecting identities that are likely to affect your relationship like race, class, age, and ability. It also addresses how recovery from alcohol and/or drug abuse and sexual assault can play a role, as well as other topics such as butch-femme dynamics, trans identity, bisexuality, (non)monogamy, BDSM, elder care, and raising children. The wide range, however, means that no one issue is explored in extensive detail.
sexual intimacy for women: a guide for same-sex couples by glenda corwin
For advice on sexual intimacy in long-term lesbian relationships, this book by sex therapist Glenda Corwin is exactly what you want. But to avoid any confusion: this isn’t a book of sexy times tips and tricks to impress your girlfriend or wife. Instead, it’s distinctly focused on the emotional, physical, and psychological aspects of lesbian relationships with the goal of increasing sexual intimacy. Corwin addresses issues like orgasm, body image, identity, aging, and parenthood and their connections to (sexual) intimacy. Of course, the dreaded LBD — lesbian bed death — is discussed in detail. A few caveats: there is some language in Sexual Intimacy for Women that invalidates asexuality and the section on sexual abuse/assault would be more helpful if it were expanded.
essential guide to lipstick and test strip for lesbian relationships by gina daggett and kathy belge
You might know this butch-femme couple from their long-running relationship advice column for Curve Magazine. Anyone wanting relationship self-help with a heavy dose of humor, Lipstick and Dipstick certainly deliver plenty of that, as well as insights from their own long-term relationship. They cover the full lifespan of relationships, including finding a date, U-hauling, dealing with exes (and other emotional baggage), breaking up, and more. For sure, Lipstick and Dipstick don’t provide the expertise of counselors/therapists or writers with backgrounds in psychology. But for a book that seems to have been written with the intent of being as entertaining as it is informative, it certainly succeeds. The authors’ personal experiences on different sides of the gender spectrum are especially a nice touch.
lesbian marriage: a kit of love and sex forever by kim chernin and ruth stendhal
See Also: 13 of the Best and Most Essential Toni Morrison Works
Finally, a relationship book specifically for all the lesbians who’ve tied the knot! This tool kit by two experienced counselors who are also a couple is a quick, short reference guide. There are handy lists of do’s and don’t’s as well as some activities and exercises to share with your partner. They focus on 12 major challenges that all lesbian couples face, like “You always, I never—Grudges and Bed Death” and “The Ravenous Beast—Sex after Menopause?” Their advice is frank and funny. And parts of the book are designed like a comic strip, which gives it a wonderful Dykes to Watch Out For feel. If the idea of picking up a 400-page tome on lesbian relationships is off-putting, try this playful guide that really cuts to the chase.
Work It Out: A Primer on Lesbian Relationships by Frances S. fuchs
Working It Out is the most interactive book on this list. Written by an experienced lesbian counselor, it’s a workbook full of exercises to do on your own, with a partner, or even in a group of couples. Fuchs covers topics including communication skills, challenges of coming and being out, arguments, and more. The book moves chronologically through a relationship, with the first chapters dedicated to early relationship stages and personal skills that are necessary in those initial phases to make relationships strong. Later chapters focus on cycles of long-term relationships, providing a map so you can see where you and your partner may be in these patterns. Fuchs’s advice is above all else practical, focusing on concrete steps to take to work on specific issues.
true secrets of lesbian desire: keeping sex alive in long-term relationships by renate stendhal
Another easy-to-read, short book on relationships by Renate Stendhal, except this focuses on sex. If you’re really concerned about lesbian bed death — either that it’s currently happening to you and your partner or you’re worried it’s going to in the future — Stendhal provides the most comprehensive look at it. In particular, Stendhal challenges those myths that women are “too close” to maintain sexual desire in long-term relationships. Her overall argument, in fact, is that making yourself vulnerable and being open and honest with your partner is the best way to keep that sexual spark aflame. She accomplishes this using many examples from real-life couples she’s counseled as well examples from her personal life and plenty of insights from queer women writers like Jewelle Gomez, who writes the book’s foreword.
don’t you get tired of self-help books/lesbian relationships? Check out this list of good reads for lesbian self-help books. At the very least, you’ll probably get a good laugh at some of the hilariously bad book covers from the ’90s. Do you have any book recommendations on gay couples? add them in the comments! And keep your lesbian questions at stepaniukcasey [at] gmail.com!
See Also: L.E. Modesitt Jr – Book Series In Order