About half of those 1,000 emails are from readers. Reader email comes in all sorts of varieties. you have fan mail (which is always appreciated, thanks). you have the haters. you have the weirdos. you have thinly veiled sales pitches. but most of the emails I receive from readers are looking for one thing: tips.
But here’s something else you may or may not expect: The vast majority of emails from readers seeking advice involve some kind of relationship issue. Even though 80% of what I write has nothing to do with relationships, it seems like people with aching hearts always find their way to me.
You are reading: Books on how to be romantic
most of the questions relate to the same topics: a person loves someone more than he is loved; one person treats the other badly and no one knows what to do about it; a person wants to go out but does not know how to say it. most questions are boring to anyone who isn’t living them. they involve arguments about the dog, money, and children. they involve a cranky mother-in-law or a guy who doesn’t mow enough. they almost never involve orgies or cross-dressing or broken furniture…almost.
The fascinating thing about relationship problems is that people tend to think that their problems are completely unique and singular. the emails could also be opened with “you will never believe this mark, this is the only time this has ever happened in the universe”. however, all situations are nearly identical. in some cases, comically.
The problem is that I don’t know the person sending me an email. and I certainly don’t know her partner. I don’t know his family. I don’t know your dog. therefore, it is difficult for me to comment with certainty or authority. this email says his wife is a total bitch because she doesn’t floss after sex. but he didn’t know that she had been begging him for years to trim her pubic hair.
ok, weird example…
Anyway, in a never-ending effort to stymie the flood of emails in my inbox (you must understand) and in an effort to help people help themselves, here are some of the best and most important books on relationships that I have come across.
and if you got here after receiving an email response to your romantic dilemma, just know: I love you and although you can be special, unique and extraordinary… your problem is not at all. good luck.
getting the love you want for harville hendrix
What you’ll learn: Why all of your relationships seem to be screwed up in exactly the same way. why do you keep dating people who act like your mother or father? why most of your fights are about stupid and seemingly silly things that you just can’t let go of.
Why It’s Good: I read Getting the Love You Want about 10 years ago and it blew me away. we are all vaguely aware of the Freudian idea that we end up dating our mothers and fathers and are doomed to repeat our childhood traumas in our adult relationships. but, at the same time, that idea has always felt like superstitious bullshit. but then you grow up and get into a serious relationship and you start noticing that your partner leaves crap all over the house just like your dad and fuck does it drive you crazy because it reminds you of the chaos and unpredictability of your childhood and period What I’m trying to do is if you loved me, you’d know where you put your keys, dammit!
enter: harville hendrix. Hendrix gives a real, logical, and reasonable-sounding explanation for why our relationships so rub against our most painful places. Basically, our interactions with our parents draw our “emotional maps” of what love means, what acceptance feels like, what it’s like to be a good person, etc. these maps then filter who we are attracted to as adults. We experience intense chemistry with some people because, unbeknownst to us, they reflect our definitions of love, acceptance, compassion, etc. Next thing you know, you’re sleeping with a girl who does the same things your mom did.
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While knowing your parents’ fucking definitions of love doesn’t necessarily solve anything, it does give you a little guidance to help you navigate your own love life. In fact, Hendrix calls them our “emotional maps.” we all have them. and we all suck at reading them. so he is here to help us.
what kind of breakup could you avoid: repeating your parents’ divorce.
hold me tight by sue johnson
What you’ll learn: how not to make your relationship problems worse; when to shut the fuck up and listen to your partner; how not to be such a selfish idiot? maybe? (well, maybe not.)
why it’s good: sue johnson is the creator of emotion-focused therapy (eft) who has apparently won the olympic gold medal for “therapeutic method that undoes most relationships “. Of all the forms of couples therapy and marriage counseling, eft apparently has the highest hit rate of all.
so what was sue johnson’s breakthrough? It’s one of those things that sounds so obvious in hindsight, but somehow she eluded psychologists for, oh, like, 100 years.
johnson realized that romantic relationships were largely driven by unconscious emotions and desires (side note: duh). the storylines, memories, and identities—that is, what most people focus on—in each person were therefore secondary to the underlying emotional pain. Johnson then had the brilliant idea to say to hell with all that other stuff, if these are emotional problems, let’s try to find emotional solutions, and voila! people stopped hating each other so much.
Hold me tight is an excellent review of a) the emotional patterns that arise when we are hurt and experience relationship problems, and b) the conversations we can have to help heal those patterns. it’s an easy read. and also very popular. is my recommendation for any relationship that is on the ropes.
what kind of breakup will it prevent: the kind where you talk shit about your ex for the next six years because you have tons of emotional baggage that you never unloaded.
7 principles that make marriage work by john gottman
What you will learn: that fighting is natural. that not all problems need to be solved. that the silent treatment is often as bad (or worse) than yelling loudly. Basically, this book is a great introduction to what really makes a relationship work.
Why it’s good: Gottman is like the Marco Polo of relationship research. he set off into uncharted territory and brought measurable metrics and scientific rigor to an exotic academic subject: relationships. Before gottman, all we had was grandma’s wisdom and freud’s fucking shit. but gottman paved the way for some of our first solid academic answers about what makes a relationship work and what makes it break.
gottman is most famous for studying conflict in relationships and developing a system where he could predict whether a couple would last another five years with 90% accuracy. Along the way, he uncovered all sorts of counterintuitive findings about what makes a relationship work in the long run. it’s great.
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gottman has written a lot of books on relationships, but I think this is the most accessible and the best written. it is also the most popular of them. while Hold Me Tight is about how to fix things once they’re broken, 7 Principles That Make Marriage Work explains how to avoid breaking things in the first place. /p>
what kind of breakup will you avoid: a really dramatic episode involving broken dishes and dented soup cans. if it ends, you’ll know it’s over for good.
5 love languages by gary chapman
What you will learn: A simple tool to understand how people express and receive love. (spoiler alert: not everyone expresses or receives love the same way!)
why it’s good: 5 love languages is like the harry potter of relationship books: everyone has read it (or lies and says they have read) and Gary Chapman lives in an isolated $100 million castle somewhere wiping his ass with royalty checks. this book has sold more copies than anyone knows what to do with, and it’s easy to see why: short book. simple premise. powerful idea and that idea sticks around because it’s incredibly useful.
The idea is that people express and receive love in different “love languages”. physical contact, verbal affirmation, gift-giving, acts of service, and quality time. many relationship problems occur because one person is giving love in one language (lots of gifts, verbal compliments) and the other is seeking love in another language (quality time, physical contact). As a result, the person giving love feels unappreciated and the person seeking love feels, well, not loved.
I just summed up about half the book in that paragraph. but it’s worth grabbing. It costs like $6 on amazon and can be read from cover to cover in a single afternoon. but the ideas will stay with you for life. When my wife and I moved in together, I bought her a copy, and we’ve had several conversations about our love languages ever since. it’s really amazing how useful the concept is.
what kind of breakup it will prevent: the relationship may not work out, but at least you’ll never complain that your ex never did anything for you… okay, let’s face it, you probably I still complain.
models: attracting women through honesty by mark manson
What You’ll Learn: I know it sounds like a “you pick up moar chicks, brah” book, but most of the first third is about developing emotional maturity and basically getting your shit together. and be a better human being.
why it’s good: okay, I know it’s awkward promoting my own shit. but this is my site, my article, so fuck it. I’m promoting my own shit! In addition, models has been the best-selling dating book for men for six years in a row. women and lgbt people have also read it and said they love it.
Seriously speaking, the reason the book has been around for so long is because it addresses the emotional experience of dating: how we tend to idealize people; how often we are motivated by insecurity; how our desperation sabotages our relationships before they start, and then guides people on how to level up their emotional game. the book is completely devoid of “lines” or “tactics” primarily because… well, when you’re honest about who you are and what you want, there’s no need for lines or tactics. When you live a life of honesty and integrity, dating simply becomes a matter of a) becoming someone you’re proud to share and b) developing the courage to share it. that’s it!
what kind of breakup it will prevent: Ideally, it will help you choose the right person to start with, so breakups aren’t necessary. when in doubt: polarize!