Sometimes “for dummies” isn’t just a brand name. as in branding for dummies.
I’ve always had an instinctive negative feeling towards the “for dummies” series of books. I don’t find it disarming or comforting. I find him condescending to me and disparaging the content of the book.
You are reading: Funny for dummies books
If I am buying a research book, it is because (1) I want to increase my knowledge on a given topic and (2) I am intelligent enough to believe that I can read about said topic, process the material I am reading, and increase my skill set.
I don’t want to spend my entire book-reading experience reminding myself that I’m too dumb to inherently understand the subject I’m reading about.
of course the latest theory about “dummies” books is that they are not for dummies, they are for a person of average or above average intelligence who happens to be a novice when it comes to a certain subject and wants read a simplified basic manual in English on that topic.
except in a few cases. I searched through the epic list of “for dummies” books to find the ones I think might actually be aimed at dummies…and would only be bought by said dummies. and I took the liberty of writing my guess on how the opening paragraphs of each of those books go…
1 | raise smart kids for dummies
“Thank you for purchasing the second edition of this book! the first edition was called “how to make sure your child isn’t as dumb as you are for dummies”…but we had a feeling this was more commercial. so let’s jump right in.
“step one: if you’re currently pregnant, give up scotch. step two: if you’ve already had the kid, ditch the scotch. Step Three: If your son comes home from school, raving about a book, historical event, or math concept, don’t call him a homosexual and quickly turn on any show on Fox.”
2 | beekeeping for dummies
“In the venn diagram of beekeeping and dummies, the circles almost completely overlap. what is a venn diagram? what is a circle don’t worry. the only thing you have to worry about is that you don’t mind spending every day at work having angry, ferocious bees sticking their stingers into every inch of your sting.
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“now if you’re allergic to bees, you should probably stop reading here.”
3 | ibs for dummies
“you are most likely reading this in the bathroom.”
4 | astrology for dummies
“astrology is great. of course it’s for dummies, because those who aren’t dummies only believe in real logical religions. This is how it has always been, during the few thousand years that the planet has existed. yes, when jesus was outside feeding his pet dinosaur, he looked up at the stars, but he never used the fact that he was a capricorn to try to pick up women in bars.”
5 | green living for dummies
“so you’ve heard a lot about green living and bought this book to learn more. very nice. First, put down that brush. Green living doesn’t mean painting every wall in your house green. but it will be necessary to screw in some special energy-saving light bulbs. How many mannequins does it take do to screw in an energy-saving light bulb? you and your family are about to find out!”
6 | precious metals investing for dummies
“The next time you find yourself distracted by something shiny (and, let’s be honest, that happens every hour), instead of just staring at it for a while with a look that reflects a mixture of confusion, intrigue, hunger, and bewilderment, choose up now bite it. if it doesn’t taste like chocolate, put it in your pocket, preferably one without holes, and take it home.”
7 | migraines for dummies
“Thinking is hard. and it can make your head hurt. but sometimes, your head hurts when you’re not thinking. And if it hurts really, really, then you might have migraines.”
8 | sex for dummies
“please try to stop having so much. especially unprotected. take out doesn’t count. neither does the position of women at the top. or that anti-AIDS amulet you bought from a gypsy passing through town.”
9 | mark for fools
“so you have your metal bar. you’ve shaped the end with a cool pattern, quite possibly your initials. you have all your cows lined up.
“We have bad news. This book is about how to get 32-49 year olds to associate your company name with a sense of luxury and privilege. half of the chapters are about fonts and colors.”
10 | cosmetic surgery for dummies
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“You are not happy with something about your body. maybe it’s your breasts. your thin lips your chins the second toe that is longer than the big toe. so he’s decided to collect the kids’ college fund and take care of that.
“before you do, remember: making yourself more attractive on the outside won’t fix anything on the inside. just because it’s filled with silicone doesn’t mean it will be less hollow.
“Are you still on board? of course you are. it’s okay. you will need to find a trusted surgeon. The big secret: you won’t find it in Mexico. yes, he is offering a breast augmentation for $50 each. that’s because your breasts will be filled with a mixture of mercury and roast beef.”
11 | flipping houses for fools
“sure it is.”
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