I’m so glad you agreed to recommend the best self-help books of 2021, because this is the time of year when everyone is thinking about their New Year’s resolutions. Do you think it was a particularly good year for self-help and self-improvement?
From a personal point of view, definitely. I feel like I’ve had a lot of personal growth in the sense that I got a life coach last year and read a lot of books during the lockdowns. I wouldn’t want to speak for anyone else, but I think in general we’re seeing a trend of looking inward. If we’re trapped within our four walls, what else is there to look at? the pandemic has been labeled the “great pause”. and with a pause comes reflection. so I think now more than ever we look for self-help books.
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Listening to audiobooks has also been on the rise. I know many friends, and friends of friends, who have started listening to books while out for a walk and enjoy listening to their memoirs, which to me is a form of self-help. or life guide to the reader. according to the publishers association, audiobook sales soared in the first six months of 2021, up 71% from the same period in 2019, which is an incredibly steep increase, so that’s really interesting.
When you were putting together your list of self-help books for 2021, did any particular theme become apparent?
yes. two big things that came up were setting limits around your time and creativity. At the end of the day, creativity seems to me to be synonymous with spirituality and the broader issues of self-help. I think when people say they want to change their life, they often mean they want to find more time, more money, more confidence, more space, or more joy, and I feel like a lot of that always comes back to creativity. not so much the ‘hustle’ chat, but rather: what will bring you joy? what would you like to be doing even if nobody sees it?
“self-help books can allow us to feel inspired again”
One of the big frustrations right now has to do with work. we are constantly working, in an age of constant distraction, we are on our phones more than ever and we don’t know when to stop. so people want to make time for their creativity and hobbies, basically. self-help books can help us feel inspired again.
absolutely. And while that’s a perennial problem, I think it’s become a particular problem for people who are new to working from home. they found that the boundary between work and life was becoming increasingly blurred. and they spend a lot of time online, both for work and play. I think this is related to his new book, which is about to be published. could you tell us a bit about (dis)connected?
We’ve had two years of more screen time than ever before. and I think a lot of us were already at the breaking point even before that. when everything is behind a screen, it can feel a bit robotic. so I wanted to write a book about it, but not a digital detox book. I have read many well meaning articles that tell you to get discouraged, just stop looking at your phone. but I always find that that anxiety induces, and makes me feel even worse about myself, that I can’t be that person who can tune out.
with (dis)connected, I’m trying to find that middle ground. it is full of practical pointers on how we use our phone, how we can reflect on our own personal relationship with it and our ingrained habits. there is no do or don’t do there; it’s more about whether you feel like you should be on social media and whether it might help if you put your phone away a bit earlier. Are you scrolling without thinking or are you looking for interesting things and reading the news? it’s really a kind of cleaning, in the same way you might clean your fridge or make a marie kondo at home. I know I really needed to review how I was using my phone to stay sane, so everything I learned I put into this little pocket book. I basically wrote the book that I felt I needed.
thank you. Let’s talk about your first book recommendation. This is Oliver Burkeman’s Four Thousand Weeks. I’ve had many conversations about this simple yet profound book.
I love this book. he is an amazing writer. he was the productivity guru for the gatekeeper, so every week he tried a different productivity hack. he was obviously someone who was pretty obsessed with productivity, but he realized that “zero inbox”, breaking deadlines, so you can produce more and more is a trap. This book is about his realization that it’s all a bit of a con: there’s no finish line, no trophy for doing the to-do list every day.
The title of the book is roughly the span of a human life. it is meant to be quite flashy and shocking; It’s not that many weeks if you really think about it. the book is about how life is finite and how many of our daily stresses are pretty useless. he’s trying to remind us that we’re obsessed with something that just doesn’t need to be obsessed.
completely. Our philosophy editor Nigel Warburton selected this as one of the top five philosophy books of 2021; I think people won’t necessarily recognize this as a philosophy book, since that’s not how it’s been marketed, but it does contain quite a bit of bootleg philosophical discussion.
I’ve really noticed that, in general, a lot of traditional business authors or self-help coaches are becoming a lot more philosophical. and I think that talking about spirituality seemed a bit “off” a few years ago, but it’s going to become incredibly popular in the next few years. it’s coming.
Next, you’ve chosen to have Beth Picken make her art no matter what: overcoming creative obstacles.
This is a great book about being an artist and making art, no matter the outcome. his book really rebels against the idea that if you don’t quit your day job and make money from your art, you shouldn’t bother. No: It’s okay to keep your day job, and it’s okay if things don’t start making money right away. your art is worth something. the time you spend doing it is worth something. Beth says that we should all make art, even in our spare time. it really reminded me of reading elizabeth gilbert’s great magic in 2015. he is really uplifting – a person who reminds you that making art can bring you joy. it doesn’t have to be about other people.
It’s really a kind of manual, a little guide. covers absolutely everything. it’s really about the obstacles that people face. she talks about the fear of self-promotion and the fear of marketing. dealing with the pain of rejection. I love that she breaks many myths. for example, one thing people think is that you need a lot of time to do something. people will say: if I only had six months, I would write a novel. well, actually, if you had six months to do nothing, I think it might be worse for your writing. you’ll just say, ‘well, I’ll do it tomorrow’. for me, my books are not written in a week’s vacation by the sea or months away from another job, but in short and regular spaces of time, e.g. 1 hour over coffee or in bursts of 25-minute pomodoro sessions. the obsession with wanting long periods of free time can get in the way.
That’s an interesting point. over the years I have done a few writing residencies. it’s about finding the “time and space” to write: they feed you, they take care of the cleaning. I’ve accomplished a lot in those periods, but all the same conversations between residents often revolve around a sense of guilt, which we’ve had all this time, but there’s still a pretty low ceiling on the amount of creative work that’s possible to accomplish during a work day. if you take away everything else, then yes, you write more than normal, but you don’t write all day. you end up taking long walks. Taking luxurious baths is a waste of time, in other words.
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exactly. having too much time to think has not been good for me. if I sit down, I can reflect on the problems with what I just wrote. but if I’m busy, I can’t think about it too much.
Similarly, some people think that if they had all the money in the world, they would write the great American novel. but she analyzes why that is not the answer. For example, someone she knows has a large inheritance and a lot of time, and the woman has been trying to write this novel. but the pain of this death in the family is causing problems. there are other examples of this: people who, on paper, have a perfect environment, but it just hasn’t worked out. So it’s very uplifting. I remind you that no matter what you have, you can do something with it.
I interviewed Jessie Burton for my podcast a few months ago. she wrote the miniaturist in and around her work as an executive pa. obviously I don’t want to romanticize that, because it’s really hard, and not everyone can have that energy at the end of the day to do something else, but the idea of someone writing for 20 minutes on their lunch break and actually producing something of importance in the Literature is really inspiring for me.
I’m not sure I can do what Jessie did. but I agree that when you work during bursts of inspiration, you can do a lot in a short time. let’s talk more about how we can demarcate time and energy: you have chosen to set boundaries, find peace: a guide to recovery by nedra glover tawwab.
Yes, I love this book. is a beginner’s guide to limits, which has become a buzzword. People who have had a lot of therapy will be familiar with this word, but I only came across it recently.
nedra has been a therapist for almost 15 years. she is very good on instagram, but having a physical book of her knowledge is very helpful. she describes how having bad boundaries, or what she would call ‘porous’, impacts your whole life. she may not like her friends, because she has let in people who are not right for you. you say ‘yes’ to events that stress you out. you’re drinking at night when you don’t want to. basically, if you’re someone who feels like they’re being pushed through life, this book is just amazing. it helps you understand why you’re doing that, and perhaps without even realizing it.
I have a lot of that. it’s through family, work, romance, technology. for example, some people want to please their parents too much, even in adulthood. she explains that if you don’t have good limits, you’ll burn out much faster than someone who does.
There are practice tests and scenarios in the book. and it’s very, very interesting once you figure out what you’re doing. eye opening.
Burnout is definitely something I hear a lot of people talk about. and, more recently, people like elizabeth day have been talking about ‘people pleasing’, which must reflect these so-called porous boundaries: when you subject yourself and your life to other people’s demands, hoping to make them like you. more.
yes. there’s another book called please by emma reed turrell that’s about that. I think a lot of people feel that way: they want to please everyone around us and make sure they like us all the time.
but by setting limits, as recommended in nedra glover tawwab’s book, it allows the reader to find more energy for their own projects.
Definitely, it’s about realizing what no longer serves you. it can be very difficult. I found it quite confrontational, because there are some relationships that would probably change if you start setting limits. As she describes in the book, unfortunately there are many people who like that you are that person who says yes to everything. especially in a work context.
I found that once I learned to say no to things I didn’t want to do, some people were really surprised, because I used to say yes to everything. but it’s freeing me up to say yes to the things I want to say yes to. it’s an amazing feeling to look at my calendar and know deep down that I want to do everything on it. that has completely changed everything. Although I obviously have more agency than some, that comes with being self-employed.
to say that it is not very difficult. I don’t know why it is, but it is. or it is for me.
It’s scary, but it’s amazing when you put it into practice. one thing that really helped me is having templates ready to use. I bought a book, a self-published book by natalie lue from the podcast baggage claim, which is like four hundred ways to say no. I remember copying and pasting some of them into an email and saving them to use whenever I needed them.
says you don’t have to make excuses. don’t write a huge paragraph about why you can’t do it. just say, “sorry, I won’t be able to do that right now.” and what’s really great is that it really takes the pressure off. it gives you the power to realize that you can say no. You don’t have to go around making excuses. it’s just a no.
I think this leads us down the path of integrity for martha beck. Can you tell us about this book?
martha beck accidentally became a life coach after doing, i think, a doctorate in sociology at harvard. she was taking a very intellectual academic route, but she realized that she wanted to help people by putting all that science-based knowledge to help people. She was Oprah Winfrey’s life coach for a while. she is amazing.
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I reserved this book as soon as I found out about it, a year before it came out. it is about the meaning of integrity. this book is not about being a really good person who always does things right. it’s more about being yourself and not cutting yourself to pieces to please everyone. I think we all do that to some degree, because we’re different with different people. but she encourages you to just be yourself and not change forms all the time.
“it’s an amazing feeling to look at my calendar and know deep down that I want to do everything on it”
at the beginning of the book, she says that this all came from this period where she decided not to tell a single lie for a whole year. not even white lies. so if someone called her and asked her, ‘do you want to come to my birthday party?’, and she didn’t, she said, ‘no, I don’t want to.’ it’s quite amazing to see that. in action. From there, she realized that her life improved.
left her family of origin, which was Mormon, came out as a lesbian, got married. basically, her life became amazing. but it was really scary. he had to get rid of his old life. she calls it an “integrity cleanse,” when you don’t tell lies. but she also says you don’t have to be so extreme. even telling a little less lies affects his life and her health. science backs it up.
The structure reflects Dante’s Divine Comedy. so it’s really geeky, but also very accessible and very cool.
I imagine that one of the long-term benefits of forcing yourself to tell the truth is that you have to find out what the truth is. I think that’s not always obvious, even to ourselves. and we spend so much time obfuscating how we really feel, that we make it even harder to understand what that is.
definitely. there are a lot of exercises in the book about that, asking yourself: are you feeling what you really feel and saying what you really mean? are you doing what you really want? because, yes, sometimes we get confused. but what I learned was that whenever you are in integrity, you feel relaxed.
For example, I was planning a big party for next year. every time he thought about it, he was stressed. he just didn’t feel right. so i sent everyone an email saying “i’m so sorry but i don’t want to do it anymore”. and they all said, “oh my god, that’s fine.” and my body just relaxed. I felt relief there was only the feeling that yes: that is the truth. I don’t want to do it anymore that’s a really random example, but it’s real life.
I often think of a five-book interview I did with a sports psychologist who works with high-performance athletes in the United States. he said he does a lot of deep work to find purpose, which in turn drives motivation. I suppose it is an exercise similar to this search for “wholeness” in Martha Beck’s formulation. I guess I didn’t expect baseball players to have much of a need for this kind of soul-searching, but if you’re training really hard, day in and day out, then of course knowing what you’re doing it for must be very important.
yes. and once you realize what you really want, you have a lot of clarity about what you need to have a really nice life. I think we are often conditioned to want certain things like a big house, a lot of money, etc. but really, when we think about it, many of us don’t really care about those things that much. so you may be striving for something you don’t even want in the first place.
I think he’s a very, very happy person. or not even happy, fulfilled. he lives in the forest with his established non-traditional family, living his own life. he is very contagious, that kind of peace. I think we can all aspire to it, whatever form it takes.
Finally, we should talk about your final choice of books. It’s Julia Cameron’s quest for wisdom. you read this in 2021, but strictly speaking, it’s a 2022 book, since it just came out. Julia Cameron is well known for her legendary earlier book on creativity, The Artist’s Way.
i love julia cameron. I read everything she posts. she’s so comforting, I think that’s the best word to describe her. I think I’ve also been looking for that kind of maternal, grandmotherly wisdom. I think she is over seventy years old.
Julia’s work, in all of her books, is about helping artists unblock themselves. it’s very interesting, because i think julia cameron’s books are like trojan horses. she talks about intense topics, through a fairly wide lens. she and she uses words like “god” in her books, but she introduces it with the statement that she’s talking about “creative energy,” which I think appeals to younger people who may not be religious.
I think at this point in history, many of us feel lost because we have nothing to believe in. most of us don’t have a religion, or it’s fading away. we may not have a strong sense of community, especially if you live in the city. julia cameron asks the reader to believe in something again. for her, it’s talking out loud. You don’t have to believe you’re praying for something, it’s just expressing your hopes and dreams by speaking openly about what you want.
He likes to write a diary and post things. even if you don’t know where those things go, i think it’s just asking you to believe in the world again.
I know several people that I definitely wouldn’t have had as fans of Julia Cameron who have taken many of her lessons to heart. his “morning pages” exercise, in which a person freely writes three pages first thing in the day, has become very popular.
There’s something about her that really seems to captivate people. I think it’s because she’s so honest and vulnerable about her own journey. in the new book, she makes a summary of her alcoholism. her life went two ways, and thank god she went this way, where she got sober. what got her out of the clutches of that was her morning pages. and the “seeking for wisdom” that she talks about in this book is seeking help not only from the people around her in her physical form, but more broadly, from people who have passed away. not in a woo-woo way, but by writing them letters or talking to them out loud.
that’s something interesting about her. could alienate a lot of people. but strangely, it attracts everyone. her floor sample from the book is one of my favorite memories. It’s about her drinking and being married to Martin Scorsese, and how she almost ruined her career, but she got it back. so I find her endlessly inspiring and have interviewed her for my podcast three times!
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