Fostering Self-Forgiveness: 25 Powerful Techniques and Books

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There’s nothing quite like the ominous, stomach-churning feeling you get when you realize you’ve done something wrong.

It could be as simple as forgetting a loved one’s birthday, sending a hurtful text message, cheating on a test, or lying to your partner. The reality is that sometimes we hurt the people we love, make poor judgments, and do things that are below the moral standards to which we hold ourselves.

You are reading: Books on how to forgive yourself

Whatever it is, how do you forgive yourself?

When we forgive ourselves, we don’t take the easy way out. we own our actions and gradually move to a place of self-compassion and growth. In this article, we break down the process of self-forgiveness and outline steps you can take to encourage self-forgiveness.

Before we continue, you can download our three self-compassion exercises for free. These detailed, science-based exercises will not only help you increase your self-compassion and kindness, but will also give you the tools to help your customers, students, or employees show more self-compassion. .

what is self-forgiveness?

self-forgiveness is not an on/off switch, but rather a process that occurs over time through emotional work and reflection (woodyatt, worthington, wenzel, & griffin, 2017).

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Self-forgiveness requires striking a balance between taking responsibility and maintaining a positive sense of self. when you manage to find this balance, you achieve self-forgiveness (woodyatt et al., 2017).

In psychology, the concept of self-forgiveness is still relatively new and involves a combination of emotional, motivational, and behavioral changes (woodyatt et al., 2017).

enright and the human development study group (1996, p. 116) were the first to offer a concrete psychological definition of self-forgiveness as “a willingness to let go of resentment toward oneself in the face of the recognized objective evil of one, while fostering compassion, generosity, and self-love.”

enright and the human development study group (1996) highlighted three important pillars of self-forgiveness:

1. the release of negative emotions directed towards oneself
2. the cultivation of positive emotions directed towards oneself
3. an acceptance of responsibility

release self-directed negative emotions

When we do something bad, wrong or against our values, we can receive painful and negative emotions such as shame, guilt, resentment or anger. We can also have negative thoughts about ourselves, like “it’s all my fault” or “I’m a terrible person.”

forgiveness to oneself does not mean that we skip the step of feeling bad; it simply means that we get over these feelings of resentment toward ourselves and then let go of them once they have served their purpose (woodyatt et al., 2017). initially, feelings of remorse can be helpful because they motivate us to make amends (woodyatt et al., 2017).

cultivate self-directed positive emotions

In addition to putting our negative emotions in our rearview mirror, self-forgiveness involves fostering benevolent thoughts and emotions toward oneself in the form of self-compassion, love, and kindness (woodyatt et al., 2017). Through self-compassion, we can appreciate our shared humanity and recognize that we all have flaws and we all make mistakes.

recognize and accept responsibility

If you only had to absolve yourself of negative emotions and shower yourself with positive emotions, this would be “pseudo-self-forgiveness” (hall & fincham, 2005). true self-forgiveness involves acknowledging the “bad” of your actions (woodyatt et al., 2017).

When a person has caused harm to another, Cornish and Wade (2015) suggest that self-forgiveness should also include an other-focused component, in which the person seeks to make amends with the person they have harmed. damage and recommit to your values. they suggest this would make it less likely that the “offense” would happen again.

In their model, they discuss the four R’s of genuine self-forgiveness that could be applied in a counseling setting (Cornish & Wade, 2015):

1. responsibility the person seeking forgiveness takes responsibility and does not shift the blame elsewhere.
2. remorse cornish and wade (2015) suggest that the individual must work through difficult emotions such as shame to more specific “offence-emotions” such as guilt, which are more likely to motivate people to make amends.
3. restoration the next step is to actively try to make things right, to make amends relationships and reaffirm moral values ​​that were broken.
4. renewal this is a place of self-forgiveness, renewed self-compassion and self-respect. Through this process, the individual achieves “moral growth.”

You might be wondering about people who don’t have “bad guys” to take responsibility for.

In addition to breaking the moral codes of our communities, we may punish ourselves for not meeting some internal, unrealistic, or perfectionistic standard. you may punish yourself for failing a driving test or losing a sports competition. Even if you think you have failed or let people down in some way, there are no bad intentions, no amends to make, and no one to apologize to.

In this case, developing a more accurate understanding of the liability limits you can reasonably impose on yourself could help you free yourself from “perceived” misplaced or excessive liability (woodyatt et al., 2017).

when self-forgiveness is not the answer

Working with people to achieve self-forgiveness in a counseling setting, Cornish and Wade (2015) emphasize that for some people, self-forgiveness may not be an appropriate approach to healing. For example, when working with victims of sexual assault, taking responsibility is not justified, and encouraging self-forgiveness may actually exacerbate harmful feelings of self-blame (Cornish & Wade, 2015).

Furthermore, someone who continues to harm another person (for example, in the case of domestic abuse) does not fully accept responsibility for their actions. Cornish and Wade (2015) suggest that alleviating negative self-directed feelings through premature self-forgiveness may attenuate the incentive to change behavior.

how to forgive yourself: 8 steps

To foster self-forgiveness in a self-directed way, Griffin, Worthington, Bell, and Davis (2017) suggest that the following are two fundamental aims of the process:

1. work to acknowledge responsibility
2. reaffirm your worth

To break it down, here are eight steps you can take to work toward self-forgiveness (Cornish & Wade, 2015; Griffin et al., 2017):

1. identify identify the events or behaviors for which you want to forgive yourself.
2. explore explore your responsibility for what happened. to what extent were you responsible?
3. accept it and experience remorse when you have recognized your level of responsibility, try to accept this responsibility. any feelings of remorse or shame that arise can be hard to bear, so be kind to yourself in the process.
4. watch your thoughts and feelings be aware of your thoughts and feelings and try to challenge perfectionistic thinking or whatever unreasonable standard you are holding yourself to. if you feel guilty or ashamed, try to understand it in the context of this unique event or behavior. avoid generalizing these feelings toward yourself as a person (ie, focus on your actions, not your character).
5. make peace make peace whenever possible with the person you hurt. if there are no amends to make, consider whether you are being reasonable in blaming yourself.
6. Recommit, learn from the experience, and continue to make decisions that are in line with your values. By recommitting to your values, you reaffirm that your principles are important to you, which can lead to personal growth.
7. Nurture Compassion Try to develop good feelings about yourself and a more compassionate mindset. how would you talk to a friend who is going through the same thing?
8. let go let go of any negative feelings about yourself. notice if any unhelpful behavior or thought processes continue the cycle of self-punishment. you’re not pretending it didn’t happen; you are simply acknowledging that continuing to resent yourself is no longer helpful. Treat yourself with compassion and validate your worth as a person, perhaps using affirmations or guided meditations.

Self-forgiveness is necessary to move forward, learn from our mistakes, and ultimately lead a more fulfilling life. check out this inspiring ted talk from dr. eileen timmins on how self-forgiveness leads to light, love and a happy life.

compassion-focused therapy

For some people, forgiving yourself can feel like an insurmountable mountain to climb alone. compassion-focused therapy can help people develop their ability to manage their emotions and those of others (gilbert & woodyatt, 2017).

some core competencies developed during compassion-focused therapy include (gilbert & woodyatt, 2017):

• sensitivity to attention: a state of mindfulness: looking at and being aware of the suffering of others and the negative feelings we experience as a result.
• sympathy: the distress of others can evoke emotions within us, which can motivate us to seek self-forgiveness.
• distress tolerance: tolerating difficult feelings and the negative thoughts and beliefs associated with these feelings.
• empathy: connecting on an emotional level with oneself and with others. this is critical to deepening awareness of the consequences of our actions and connecting with our shared humanity.
• non-judgmental: letting difficult thoughts and feelings in and sitting with them, looking at the experience from a compassionate perspective .

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Throughout the sessions, the counselor encourages the client to get in touch with their “most compassionate self” and asks questions to help them understand what they need to do for themselves to achieve self-forgiveness (Gilbert & woodyatt, 2017).

20 self-forgiveness affirmations

affirmations are positive affirmations that can help people reconnect with a more compassionate mindset. using them regularly can help people turn down the volume of negative self-talk and amplify more positive, self-affirming thoughts.

here are 20 self-forgiveness affirmations you could try on your own or in a session with a client:

1. I am worthy of forgiveness.
2. I am human and sometimes I make mistakes.
3. I can learn from my mistakes.
4. I forgive myself for what I did.
5. no one is defined by a mistake or an incident.
6. I can let go of feelings of guilt and shame.
7. I can forgive myself myself, as I would forgive others.
8. I deserve to treat myself with compassion and kindness.
9. I love, forgive and accept myself with all my imperfections.
10. I deserve the love and acceptance of others, just the way I am.
11. By accepting responsibility for what happened, I can achieve personal growth.
12. i deserve to be able to move on with my life.
13. I welcome kindness, compassion, and love into my life.
14. I care about others and am responsible for my own actions.

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15. I am wiser today than yesterday because I have learned from my mistakes.
16. I deserve to speak kindly to myself.
17. making mistakes is an opportunity to gain wisdom. om.
18. forgiveness is a strength.
19. punishing myself forever does not help me or anyone else.
20. I will continue to live accordingly with my values ​​the best possible. I can, as I always have.

a look at self-forgiveness meditation

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Guided meditations, often with imagery, can be used to help clients become more aware of their thoughts and feelings, engage with their compassionate mind, and forgive themselves (Ogunyemi, Sugiyama, & Ferrari, 2020).

For people who have a hard time saying goodbye to guilt, Registered Clinical Hypnotherapist Suzanne Robichaud has provided this guided meditation and hypnotherapy practice for letting go of guilt.

Or try this 12-minute self-compassion audio meditation exercise from psychologist Chris Germer.

5 books on the power of self-forgiveness

here are five fantastic reads that are rich in exercises, tips and techniques that you can share with your clients or apply in your own practice.

1. moving forward: six steps to self-forgiveness and freedom from the past – everett worthington jr.

worthington outlines his six steps to self-forgiveness, which focus on forgiving others, god, and self.

worthington writes that by realizing how valuable and loved we are and embracing God’s acceptance, we can free ourselves from shame, guilt, and blame.

look for the book on amazon.

2. the self forgiveness manual – thom rutledge

rutledge is a self-forgiveness therapist. This book offers a step-by-step guide to self-forgiveness and guided practices influenced by his extensive work in this area.

The book includes guided exercises and tools to help readers deal with their own critical inner voice, overcome obstacles, and ultimately empower themselves.

look for the book on amazon.

3. radical self-forgiveness: the direct path to true self-acceptance – colin tipping

tipping describes his powerful approach to self-forgiveness and shares proven techniques from his acclaimed self-forgiveness workshops.

Using radical self-acceptance, tipping presents a manual for helping people break free of self-judgment and limiting beliefs.

look for the book on amazon.

4. how to forgive ourselves totally – r. t. kendall

To forgive ourselves and gain freedom, we also need to forgive others who have hurt us. only then can we walk in total forgiveness.

kendall offers detailed information on how we can forgive ourselves and provides tools to help readers in the process.

look for the book on amazon.

5. the compassionate mind – paul gilbert

This fascinating book is rich with ideas and experimental findings that highlight the value of compassion for well-being and mental health.

Gilbert also describes mind-training practices to help readers increase their ability to access compassion.

The book also offers the latest insights into the value of compassion and developing kindness and compassion for ourselves and others.

look for the book on amazon.

our 15 favorite self-forgiveness quotes

forgiving yourself can be painful but also liberating, which is probably why quotes about self-forgiveness resonate with us so much.

These are some of our favorite self-forgiveness quotes from the minds of some inspiring people:

The scariest thing is accepting yourself completely.

carl jung (psychcentral, n.d.)

To heal, we must first forgive… and sometimes the person we must forgive is ourselves.

mila bron (psychcentral, n.d.)

having compassion begins and ends with having compassion for all those unwanted parts of ourselves.

pema chodron (psychcentral, n.d.)

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do as the heavens have done, forget your wickedness; forgive yourself with them.

william shakespeare (wise sayings, n.d.)

You can’t travel back in time to correct your mistakes, but you can learn from them and forgive yourself for not knowing better.

leon brown (wise sayings, n.d.)

Our sorrows and wounds only heal when we touch them with compassion.

buddha (psychcentral, n.d.)

Forgiveness is man’s deepest need and greatest achievement.

horace bushnell (wisdom quotes, undated)

While revenge weakens society, forgiveness strengthens it.

14th Dalai Lama (Wisdom Quotes, Undated)

forgiveness is simply about understanding that each of us is inherently good and inherently flawed.

desmond tutu (wisdom quotes, n.d.)

peace is letting it be. letting life flow, letting emotions flow through you.

kamal ravikant (psychcentral, nd)

When you forgive, you in no way change the past, but you sure do change the future.

bernard meltzer (wisdom quotes, undated)

forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could have been different, it is accepting the past for what it was and using this moment and this time to help you move forward.

oprah winfrey (wisdom quotes, undated)

I have always found that mercy bears richer fruit than strict justice.

abraham lincoln (wisdom quotes, undated)

forgive yourself as you strive to be your best self.

angel moreira (wise sayings, s.f.)

There are times when we have all been thoughtless, selfish or cruel. but no act is unforgivable; no person is beyond redemption.

desmond tutu (wisdom quotes, n.d.)

helpful resources from positivepsychology.com

If you are working with clients struggling with self-forgiveness, check out the following assessments and worksheets that may be helpful:

• Perfectionist Beliefs ‘Flexibility’ Self-Assessment This brief assessment presents a series of questions to help clients identify areas where their thinking is rigid and instances where they could benefit from relaxing perfectionist tendencies.
• spotting self love this exercise helps clients cultivate a kind attitude toward themselves by presenting vignettes and reflections on self love and self-criticism.
• a letter Self-Compassion This exercise invites clients to write themselves a short message of forgiveness and acceptance in the second person perspective to help pave the way for self-forgiveness and compassion.
• 17 Self-Compassion Exercises If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others develop self-compassion, this collection contains 17 validated self-compassion tools for professionals. use them to help others create a kinder, more nurturing relationship with yourself.

a message to take home

The road to self-forgiveness is winding and bumpy. Some people will find it more difficult to forgive themselves than others, but we are all capable and worthy of forgiving ourselves.

true self-forgiveness can only be achieved when we have accepted responsibility for our actions; At first, forgiving yourself can be painful or uncomfortable. eventually, the bad feelings we have towards ourselves should end and healing and personal growth begin. No good is done by endlessly fueling the cycle of self-punishment.

The journey of self-forgiveness will be different for everyone. what we do share is our humanity. our flaws, imperfections, and impulses can lead us all astray.

but these mistakes, mishaps or misdeeds offer us the opportunity to do better next time, to learn, grow and keep trying to be the best version of ourselves.

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three free self-compassion exercises.

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