Despite the news of shorter and shorter marriages and dire divorce statistics, it’s safe to say that nearly all marriages outlast the weddings that start them.
So why do most couples spend more time, money and effort preparing for their wedding than for their marriage? according to knot magazine, the average turnout time in the us. uu. it is 14.5 months. That’s a long time for engaged couples to wait and get ready for the big day! but the wedding ceremony usually lasts a few hours. by contrast, relatively few couples seek premarital counseling. This is especially unfortunate because, for those willing to invest, the payoff can be high: According to current psychology, couples who complete some form of premarital counseling report greater satisfaction in the coming year. they may even have lower divorce rates than couples who don’t prepare for marriage. If you don’t have the time or money for a formal premarital counseling course, your relationship can still benefit from an investment in marriage preparation. A great way to plan your marriage is to read one of these pre-marital counseling books together.
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here, we’ll take a look at some of the best premarital advice books that you and your finances can work with together. Each of these books was selected for the list of the best premarital counseling books based on the important life lessons that can be learned from each of them. in fact, therapists and counselors highly recommend these premarital advice books too!
6 of the best premarital counseling books
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Preparing for Marriage: A Practical Roadmap for Your Journey Together – Jim Burns and Dougfields
the author jim burns is president of the homeword center for youth and families at azusa pacific university. doug field is executive director of the same organization. In preparing for marriage, the authors take engaged couples on a proactive journey that addresses big issues in marriage, including communication, finances, spirituality, and intimacy. The book is subtitled “A Practical Roadmap for Your Journey Together” and aims to give you and your spouse-to-be concrete guidance through the potential hurdles that lie ahead. Read it together or use it with the Preparing for Marriage Book and Video Pack—a handy road map for your journey together.
why it is recommended
This book is recommended for its practicality, flexibility, and comprehensive approach. the book and optional workbook don’t just tell you what could go wrong or how to fix it. they contain exercises that can be completed individually or in pairs, as well as starting points and guides for potentially difficult (but valuable) conversations. preparing for marriage can also fit into whatever approach you and your spouse-to-be may wish to take to pre-marriage preparation. they can read the book together or choose additional resources, including videos and an app.
who is it good for
the option of a comprehensive approach makes Prepare for Marriage: A Practical Roadmap for Your Journey Together a good option for couples who want a comprehensive premarital counseling experience but lack the time or financial resources to achieve it. however, if that’s not the case for you, you can use the book on its own for a more relaxed approach to your pre-marriage preparation.
the five love languages: the secret of love that lasts – gary chapman
this is an old, but good. Can you show your future spouse love in a language he or she understands? The Five Love Languages teaches couples to do just that, and even offers exercises on how to improve communication in marriage. Chapman first explains the five different love languages: gift giving, sharing quality time, speaking words of affirmation, doing acts of service, and touching. Then he helps you and your future spouse discover your own and each other’s preferred love language, so you can show your affection and commitment in ways that truly resonate with each other. Discovering your spouse’s love language and practicing it early will help your marriage and all relationships in terms of communication.
recommended because:
This book earns a recommendation for its focus on relational intimacy. Unlike some of the other books on this list, The Five Love Languages isn’t directly aimed at common conflicts or roadblocks in a long-term relationship; rather, this book works to help couples build the kind of relational attachment that can withstand whatever difficulties arise. When each member of a couple feels truly understood and loved by the other, their relationship will have the flexibility and security necessary to overcome the conflicts or tensions of external circumstances.
especially good for:
All couples (married, engaged, or dating) can benefit from the gentle relational attunement established in the five love languages. As a premarital preparation, it is especially recommended for couples who are highly compatible in practical areas such as finances or children, but who want to invest more in the emotional intimacy of their relationship. The five love languages could also be helpful for couples who want to build a life together but have frequent conflicts over misunderstandings or unintentional hurt feelings.
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things i wish i knew before we got married -gary chapman
Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married by Gary Chapman is another gem from this relationship expert. In this book, Gary Chapman points out that he should plan his marriage before he plans his wedding. for any other important decision, we know we need education. But we rarely educate ourselves before making arguably life’s most important decision: who to marry and how to make that marriage work. In this great book, Chapman points out that most divorces occur in the first seven years of marriage. Being obsessively in love lasts about two years, after that, maintaining a strong and lasting relationship requires conscious work and effort. a strong and lasting relationship is not something easy to find or maintain. deliberate work is needed from both sides.
recommended because:
This book covers everything you can expect, especially in the early years of marriage. You may think you and your partner won’t argue, but you will, and you need to find a healthy way to do so. You may think that your partner will not imitate their parents, but parents have a great influence on everyone. As if you were in a couples therapy session, Gary Chapman explains how to maintain communication in marriage even when you are faced with frustrating problems that you did not expect.
reviews the most common problems couples face in their first years of marriage and offers solutions for each. In addition to talking about the basics like kids, responsibilities, finances, and location, this book walks you through some important points like:
- being madly in love is not enough to build a strong marriage. once passionate love fades, you may begin to question whether you married the right person.
- romantic love starts out easy, but then it starts to take a lot of work. At first, you do things for your partner just to make them happy, but later you may find that you do these things more out of a sense of responsibility.
- Watch parents closely. while we didn’t exactly become parents, the habits you see with your in-laws are likely to be repeated later in your spouse.
- will argue, so you need to find the healthiest way to stop arguments.
- Apologizing is sometimes difficult, but it is a sign of great strength. sometimes we want to “win” an argument, but apologizing is much stronger emotionally than hitting your partner so you can win.
- You may have to work hard to keep your sex life alive. if one of the parties loses interest in sex, they must have a plan to revive that interest.
Before you get married, a premarital book like this one can alert you to problems you never thought would arise in your young, loving relationship. More important than pointing out the problems she faces, reading books like this one will show her how to overcome those trials when they arise.
especially good for:
This is a great book to read if you’re engaged to someone and planning to get married, and really want to know what to expect. Before you get married, a premarital counseling book is vital, because otherwise you could be going into your union blind to its realities. Compared to preparing for your marriage, the total money spent on preparing for your wedding is paltry, especially considering how much more important your marriage is to your quality of life. instead of just planning your next wedding, plan your next marriage!2q
the new rules of marriage -royal terrence
This is a modern book, with a thoroughly modern premise: Author Terrence Real believes that women have changed over time and that men need to catch up. in real’s experience, the last 25 years have left women increasingly independent and self-confident, while many men, on the other hand, remain irresponsible and unavailable. this leaves many couples frustrated and feeling dissatisfied in their relationships. in the new rules of marriage, real goals to help modern couples navigate with a modern set of rules. these rules are designed to rejuvenate languishing relationships and help couples enjoy each other again. This may sound dire for an engaged couple, but warning is caution. what better time to set the rules of your relationship than before the problems start?
recommended because:
This book is highly recommended due to its flexibility and modern approach. Unlike many other books on this list, which were written by religious authors, this book is aimed at secular couples. furthermore, the new rules of marriage are designed to work whether or not both spouses want to read the book together. Whether you’re a woman wondering if what you’re getting out of your relationship is all there is, or a man looking to find out what your female partner wants, real assures you that you can change your relationship for yourself.
especially good for:
If you’re an openly secular couple, who don’t want to classify any religious nuances into your marriage preparation, the New Marriage Rules are for you. It tackles a host of topics, from roles in marriage to a total money makeover. While most of the other books on this list are explicitly designed to help couples of all faiths or none, they are written by Christian authors from a Christian point of view. the new rules of marriage, on the other hand, are intended to be a more modern version of relationships.
The new rules of marriage could also be especially helpful if you’re interested in a pre-marital preparation book, but your partner isn’t. the exercises and tips in the book are designed to be helpful when done by only one person in the relationship.
save your marriage before it starts – drs. les and leslie parrot
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Using the experience of counseling over a million couples, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot guide couples through the seven most important questions to ask themselves before and after getting married. these questions are designed to foster a deeper sense of intimacy. Saving Your Marriage Before It Begins promises to help couples get on the same page about what to expect from their marriage. is a comprehensive premarital guide for engaged couples. In addition, the book will help you and your future spouse to communicate more clearly, resolve conflicts smoothly, and control common relationships that destroy money and sex. It even helps couples looking to do a total makeover before they get married. couples also have the option of using gender-specific workbooks, as well as a series of accompanying videos, for this premarital guide.
recommended because:
Saving Your Marriage Before It Begins earns its place on this list by being comprehensive, yet accessible. Parrots draw on research, as well as extensive clinical experience, to identify the root causes of many marital conflicts. then they guide you and your future spouse through the necessary conversations to remove these obstacles before you reach them. the main goal is to build a solid foundation on which the marriage can be built, so that it can survive and even thrive despite the inevitable conflict that will ensue. By focusing on these core issues, saving your marriage before it begins is comprehensive without trying to cover every possible area of conflict. plus, the parrot style is clear and accessible in this premarital counseling book.
especially good for:
How to Prepare for Marriage, mentioned above, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts has something for every couple. If you are looking for the complete DIY premarital counseling experience, you may choose to use the his and her workbooks and video series. you can also use the book alone for a less intense experience. His and hers workbooks could also be useful for couples who both want to do pre-marital preparation but are drawn to different styles of preparation. Both people can read the book, and then one can choose to do the workbook or watch the videos. however, all of these materials together form a very comprehensive premarital guide.
preparing for a life of love: 6 steps to prepare for a great marriage – c. michael smith, doctorate
Although many of the other books mentioned here are written by Christians, preparing for a life of love is the most directly Christian approach. It embraces Christian belief and practice, and leads couples to ask, “What convinces you that God is calling you together as husband and wife?” Through its eight succinct chapters, Preparing for a Life of Love takes Christian couples on a journey of discovery and commitment with probing questions and biblically based insights into what it takes to make a marriage work.
recommended because:
This book earns a recommendation for its niche appeal and straightforward approach. While many books on this list were written by Christians and contain Christian content, they are designed to be helpful to any couple. preparing for a life of love, on the other hand, is not intended to be particularly helpful for couples who do not practice Christianity. in the character of this clear religious niche, the appeal is the direct approach: preparing for a life of love is short and direct. he’s not so much interested in your feelings as he is in helping you make sure you’re making a good decision.
especially good for:
Preparing for a Life of Love is the book for couples seeking a guide to an unabashedly Christian approach to marriage. on the contrary, if you are not a practicing Christian, you know that you should direct your search for marriage preparation in another direction. This book may also be right for you if you’re looking for sensible marriage preparation, shorter on emotions and longer on truth bombs.
how to use these books
Once you choose from this list of the best premarital advice books, it’s time to jump into the content! But how should you and your finances get the most out of these premarital advice books? Well, the first step is to set clear goals and expectations about what you want to learn and accomplish in your year of marriage preparation, and even in your first year of marriage. Having clear goals in mind while reading a premarital counseling book is a must.
Each premarital counseling book usually includes a premarital guide, so you won’t have to think of these goals from scratch. To be successful in building a solid foundation for your married life, it’s important to not only learn from a premarital counseling book, but also apply what you learn. in this way, your married life can be positively impacted by your learning, even before the wedding! remember that if you learn and read before you get married, you are already one step ahead, as you will be better equipped to handle issues of money, communication, and conflict in marriage.
Looking for more?
While the books on this list are a great way to start your marriage preparation, you may be looking for something more structured. you and your partner may also want personalized advice for your particular situation. At Recover, you can gain access to trained and certified therapists who can give you the personalized advice your relationship needs. It’s easy to find a couples counselor who can help you through premarital counseling. If you don’t see what you’re looking for on this list, or if you know you’d prefer to work with a professional familiar with your particular relationship, start recovery here.
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