Life is no joke, but you can’t take it too seriously all the time. we need laughter, and where better to find joy than in hilarious funny book quotes?
after all, the best writers of all time often have the best wit.
You are reading: Funny quotes from books
These fun book quotes are perfect to read aloud at your next boring dinner party. or share them with awkward extended family members during the holidays.
Honestly, sometimes we just need to brighten our days with laughter, and we don’t need a reason.
If that’s you today and you’re looking for some funny literary quotes, congratulations. you have done it. without further ado…
funny book quotes list
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funny quote: “I don’t believe in closure. What does it really mean? Does it mean the closing of a door, the blocking of memories, the refusal to allow a stream of consciousness that may involve some measure of pain?”
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funny quote: martha: “you make me throw up”. George: “That wasn’t a very nice thing to say.” -edward albee
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funny quote: “manners, potter,” said snape dangerously. “Now, I want you to close your eyes.” Harry shot her a dirty look before doing as she was told. She didn’t like the idea of standing there with her eyes closed while Snape confronted him with a wand.”
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funny quote: “at his usual time [alexey alexandrovitch] got up and got ready for the night.”
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funny quote: I’m from des moines. someone had to do it.
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funny quote: “It is a universally recognized truth that a zombie in possession of brains must need more brains.”
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funny quote: “For most of my childhood, my career aspirations were simple: I wanted to be an intergalactic princess.”
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funny quote: “It wasn’t until I made a commitment to miss the piano that I started avoiding her.”
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funny quote: “the morning after celebrated wunderkind colin singleton graduated from high school and a girl named katherine dropped him off for the nineteenth time, he took a bath. Colin had always preferred baths.
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funny quote: Every summer, Lin Kong would return to Goose Village to divorce his wife, Shuyu.”
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funny quote: “we are going to tell you about three of mrs. the jewls class, on the thirtieth floor of the wayside school. But before you get to them, there’s something you should know. the roadside school was accidentally built on its side. it was supposed to be only one story high, with thirty classrooms in a row. instead, it is thirty stories tall, with a classroom on each floor. the builder said he was very sorry.”
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funny quote: When a day you know is Wednesday starts out sounding like Sunday, there’s something seriously wrong somewhere.”
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funny quote: It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has produced the expression “as pretty as an airport.”
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funny quote: This is my favorite book in the whole world, even though I’ve never read it.”
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funny quote: “they love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.”
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funny quote: “everyone should be able to do a card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they ever get stuck in an elevator.”
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funny quote: “‘did you ever think that if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?’ ‘all time'”.
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funny quote: “what makes big breasts and perky so attractive to guys? seriously. two rounds, lots of fat, and a fake smile. yeah, winning attributes” .
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funny quote: “You can’t enjoy art or books in a hurry.”
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See Also: The 5 Best Acoustic Guitar Books for Beginners (2022) – Acoustic World
funny quote: “(if plan ktb kills the bastard) it didn’t work, so gray would resort to plan b: operation oh sh**”
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funny quote: “Men know that most women want to have an emotional connection with someone before they sleep with him. Men know that many women think it’s romantic to be friends first, and then the friendship turns into a relationship. men know they have to jump through all these hoops first, before they can get laid. and that’s really all romance and courtship for a man – hoops he has to go through to have sex.”
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funny quote: “oh how did sharon parker’s bra get in your locker?” she leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table. “Are you going to constantly mention these things the whole time we’re dating?” “Sorry. Just using my foreknowledge to try and gauge what kind of fake boyfriend you’re going to be.” angry”.
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funny quote: “do you know why characters in horror movies always die? because they have never seen horror movies. they don’t know how it works. Right? but we do. so no one goes into the basement alone. No one goes screaming into the woods alone. no one has sex.”
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funny quote: “sadly for you, I think I’m going to live, simi. you can stop slapping me now. I’ve already lost enough sense. you can’t afford to lose any more brain cells. I really need my last three before I forget how to spell my name. it is quite difficult to pronounce. nick “well poop. not poop that you’ll live, because the simi would probably miss you if you died, but poop that I’ll miss all that good salty boy meat. although we need to fatten you up a bit so that you can eat really well. mmm.” simi”
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funny quote: “oh for crying out loud. oh carrumba, chimichanga. I have no idea what you’re saying, but shut your pretty hole.”
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funny quote: “what is not to love? I made friends with a pretty girl and now we can plan a robbery at the castle. this beats the day to day killing, eating and surviving.”
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funny quote: “do flat earthers believe that other planets are flat too?”
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funny quote: “how are you feeling?” “Like a burning building fell on the pavement, you?” I growled. “As if a maniac had pushed me out of a burning building,” she replied, a small smile on her face.
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funny quote: “Sean got stung. “I don’t fuck everything with a pulse,” she said haughtily. “I have my standards. I limit myself to endoskeletal organisms. I always go for vertebrates. and I don’t do reptiles. ever.”
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funny quote: “oh no?” she scoffed, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of her pocket and lighting one up. “Knowing how you are, the slightest sign of a discarded butt and you would have been crawling on your hands and knees trying to figure out how tall the smoker was, how old he was, what zodiac sign he was, if he had a shit that morning, and god knows what plus.
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funny quote: “it was if the devil himself had devised the perfect earthly torture for lady alicia lawrence. “Now, how will I deal with it when I get to hell?”
funny quote: erroh has a plan. a simple plan will never work.
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funny quote: “losing a parent can be considered a misfortune; losing both seems careless”
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funny quote: “You can run a garden, but you can’t make it think.”
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funny quote: “if he wasn’t really unhappy, he was far from upset.”
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funny quote: “all this fuss about sleeping together. for physical pleasure I would prefer to go to my dentist any day”
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funny quote: “I refuse to answer that question because I don’t know the answer”
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funny quote: “I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek, as my tongue is always there.”
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funny quote: “America’s youth is its oldest tradition. it has been going on now for three hundred years.”
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funny quote: “let’s pitch like men do”
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funny quote: “fanny rode on a lion and it felt great. dick chose a horse”
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funny quote: “passing back and forth, the mayor saw the unattractive exterior of the farfrae building on the west walk, rick webs of varying sizes and colors were hanging from the trees arched without any regard to appearance.”
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funny quote: “multiple exclamation points are a sure sign of a sick mind”
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funny quote: “Mothers are the best lovers in the world, but I don’t mind whispering to marmee that I’d like to try all kinds. It is very curious, but the more I try to satisfy myself with all kinds of natural affections, the more I seem to want”
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funny quote: “my brother toby, she says, is going to marry mrs. wadman “then never again,” my father said, “he can lie diagonally in his bed again as long as he lives.”
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funny quote: “the final bag is a weird place, and its people are even weirder”
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funny quote: charles dickens “sir mulberry hawk was remarkable for his tact in ruining, for himself and his creatures, young gentlemen of fortune, a gentle and elegant profession, of which no doubt he had gained his head. … it being his custom, when he had gained ascendancy over those he took into his hands, rather to keep them low than to let them have his way; and to exert his liveliness upon them openly and unreservedly.”
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funny quote: “…is my particular, unique, four star pussy. the super cunt of all old pussies.”
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funny quote: “holding his candle so he could read the coffin plates, and holding it in such a way that the sperm fell out in white specks that solidified on contact with the metal”
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funny quote: “sorry we can’t dance,” replied winterbourne; “I do not dance”. “Of course you don’t dance; you’re too stiff,” said miss daisy. “hope you enjoyed your trip with mrs. walker.
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funny quote: “come; let’s shake hands everywhere; what’s more, let’s all press together with each other; let us universally squeeze ourselves in the same milk and sperm of goodness.”
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funny quote: “the master’s body!” the butler roared into the phone. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t furnish it. It’s too hot to touch this noon!”
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funny quote: “Drunkenness is nothing but willful insanity”
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funny quote: “with what bitterness he saw his entire erection of glory and poetry crumble little by little!”
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funny quote: “tut, I’m on her breasts.”
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funny quote: “night has come, the gang had just finished eating, an orgy was starting; the can of liquor passed from mouth to mouth”
funny quote: “they had groped their way two or three miles when clare suddenly became aware of a large erection near her forehead, just rising out of the grass. they had nearly bumped into him.”
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funny quote: “she knew well the great architectural secret of decorating her buildings, and she never deigned to build a decoration.”
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funny quote: “he gets comfort like cold porridge”
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funny quote: “fall again, beauty?” “No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face.”
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funny quote: “I like people better than principles, and I like unprincipled people more than anything else in the world.”
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funny quote: “it was the year 1795. jorge iii was cleaning the walls of windsor castle with his own saliva, the notables messed up in france, goya was deaf, he was fifteeny depraved pre-teen.”
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funny quote: “I know journalism is largely about saying ‘lord jones dead’ to people who never knew lord jones was alive.”
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funny quote: “Shakespeare is the happy hunting ground of all minds that have lost their balance.”
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funny quote: “money is a horrible thing to follow, but a lovely thing to find.”
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witty quote: “to do or not to do. no attempts here’.”
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funny quote: “i just ran into my gynecologist at starbucks and she looked at me like she didn’t know me. so i stood there wondering if that’s something she does on purpose to make her clients know feel less awkward, or if you really didn’t recognize me without my vagina. either way, it’s very disconcerting when people who have been inside your vagina don’t acknowledge your existence. also, I just want to clarify that I don’t mean “without my vagina “As if I didn’t have her with me at the time.”
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funny quote: “at some point during almost every rom-com, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, helplessly tripping over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some kind of matthew mcconaughey spins around either comes around the corner just in time to save her or is clumsily knocked over along with her. that event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. please. i fall all the time. do you know who comes and catches me? the gorilla.”
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funny quote: “As a teenager, you are in the last phase of your life where you will be happy to know that the phone is for you.”
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funny quote: “when you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.”
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funny quote: “I was a little excited but mostly drunk. “blorft” is an adjective I just made up that means ‘completely overwhelmed but acting like everything is fine and reacting to stress with the lethargy of a possum’. I’ve been blorft every day for the last seven years.”
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funny quote: “so start a fire!” Harry choked. “yes…of course…but there’s no wood!” Hermione yelled, wringing her hands. “You’ve gone mad!” rum yelled. “Are you a witch or not!”
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funny quote: “I was once suggested that, as an antidote to crying, I put my head in a paper bag. As it happens, there’s a solid physiological reason, something to do with oxygen, for doing exactly that, but the psychological effect alone is incalculable: it’s extremely hard to keep picturing yourself Cathy on Wuthering Heights with your head in a meal. fair bag.
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We hope you enjoyed these funny book quotes. If you ever need to see more funny book quotes, come back because we will continue to update this list over time. If there are quotes from books we didn’t mention that make you laugh, mention them in the comment below and we’ll be happy to add them in overtime as well.
See Also: 25 Best Places to Sell Books Online for Cash (Used, Textbooks.) – MoneyPantry