Are you in a relationship with someone who is manipulative and/or controlling?
Feel like you’re walking on eggshells and have a problem that needs to be fixed?
You are reading: Books on healing from narcissistic abuse
Do you feel like you’re crazy and find it hard to describe why you feel that way?
If so, then you could be a victim of narcissistic abuse.
I have worked as a therapist for over 20 years. I have written and presented articles and seminars on the topic of emotional manipulation and narcissistic abuse for years. I have also seen and worked with hundreds of people who are victims of narcissistic abuse, also known as emotional abuse, emotional manipulation, emotional blackmail, or psychological abuse.
The problem is so common that it has become an epidemic!
When I work with clients recovering from narcissistic abuse, I often recommend outside reading to help advance the recovery process. I want to share with you some of the books that I have found most helpful in the healing process.
be careful though, not all books deal specifically with narcissistic abuse. don’t worry, they all contribute to the recovery process.
cloud and townsend’s iconic book on emotional boundaries was one of the first books I started referring my clients to. I know, I know, it doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with narcissistic abuse, but bear with me.
I have encouraged clients to use it as a reference to determine not only the lack of boundaries in their lives, but also how to begin identifying, building, and communicating healthy boundaries in their relationships.
Since many victims of narcissistic abuse come from unhealthy families of origin, they likely lack the basics of healthy boundaries. cloud and townsend identify the “ten laws of boundaries” that help clients recognize that boundaries are not about doing something to another person, but about learning to protect yourself from other people’s (particularly the narcissist’s) boundary violations .
The authors also discuss some common myths about boundaries, such as choosing to protect oneself makes one selfish (because the narcissist is self-centered and self-absorbed, he believes that setting boundaries is a selfish act); saying “no” is a four-letter word (a common misconception narcissists use) and setting limits means that someone will take away their love (a threat the narcissist often uses since their “love” is conditional).
Conclusion: Most recovery from narcissistic abuse is not about understanding narcissism, but about learning the tools and skills to emotionally protect ourselves.
Another book that seems to have nothing to do with recovery from narcissistic abuse is Facing Codependency by Pia Melody.
one of my favorite books, melody looks at codependency through the lens of addiction. melody sees codependency as a result of childhood trauma that makes an individual vulnerable to the pitfalls of dysfunctional adult relationships.
mellody explores the impact childhood trauma has on our emotional well-being and our ability to have meaningful and satisfying relationships with ourselves and with others. mellody does not discuss narcissism directly, but does address how to set functional boundaries for healthy and satisfying relationships after narcissistic abuse.
As a firm believer in the belief that codependency is an addiction, I regularly recommend Mellody’s Codependency for clients seeking help in recovery from narcissistic abuse.
Conclusion: Victims of narcissistic abuse are always codependent!
related: the best books on healing codependency
old but good! Now in its third edition, The Verbally Abusive Relationship was first published in 1992. Patricia Evans does not specifically address narcissism or personality disorders, but she does make it clear that verbal abuse is frequently a tool of the narcissist.
This book was the first I read that referred to the verbal abuser’s communication as “going crazy.” (a common description by victims of narcissistic abuse to describe the dialogue between a victim and the narcissist) the maddening communication leaves the victim questioning their perception of what is happening.
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can be overt and direct like “you’re too sensitive” or covert and indirect like “I don’t know what you’re talking about”.
evans does a stellar job of identifying the subtle verbiage used by the verbal abuser. Verbiage that by itself would not be considered abusive, but due to the sinister nature of its intent, leaves the victim questioning the meaning of the abuser and their own perceptions of it.
Conclusion: Narcissists are always verbally abusive!
hemfelt, minirth, and meier offer a slightly different view of codependency than some of the more popular books on the market. love is a choice that identifies the causes of codependency from the perspective of unmet emotional needs and lost childhood.
The authors believe that codependency is the result of one or both parents not filling their love tanks. they believe that if one parent has an addiction or compulsions that divert attention from the family, then the other parent cannot fill the child’s love tank. the child then grows up looking for others to fill her love tank. this leaves the victim primed and ready for the narcissist to pounce.
love is a choice identifies 10 stages of relationship recovery including relationship inventory, breaking the cycle of addiction (yes, they also see destructive relationship patterns as addiction), grieving, parenting and maintenance. You want to know more? you’ll have to read the book to find out!
Conclusion: Codependency is a chronic and progressive disease!
wendy behary is a leading therapist who approaches narcissism from the point of view of schema therapy, a type of therapy in which clients determine the causes of unmet emotional needs. behary helps clients identify their “schemata” or how they interpret life events.
Disarming the Narcissist helps readers recognize the schemas triggered by the narcissist, such as shame, abandonment, and mistrust. behary encourages the reader to identify these narcissistic traps and reinforces the importance of mindfulness when dealing with the narcissist.
behary offers more than the typical no contact rule when it comes to the narcissist. she also discusses ways to integrate our own empathy and compassion to communicate more effectively with a narcissist if ongoing contact cannot be avoided
Conclusion: It is possible to have compassion for a narcissist.
Many times, my clients come in after doing their own research on their relationship, their partner, or the crazy behaviors they’ve experienced. One of the best books on narcissistic abuse that clients have recommended to me is Healing Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas.
Based on research into the effects of psychological abuse, Shannon Thomas guides us through the basics of psychological abuse. then take an in-depth look at 6 stages of recovery. From the “aha” moments to realizing that victims are not alone in their harrowing experiences, Thomas explains the importance and difficulty of building boundaries, restoring and rebuilding our lives, and benefiting from the hard work of recovery.
Conclusion: Victims of narcissistic abuse have been taught to reject their instincts!
Will I ever be good enough? addresses the emotional baggage that comes from being raised by a narcissistic mother. Narcissistic mothers leave an almost insurmountable burden on their children. Questioning whether one is lovable, worthy, important, or valuable is not the legacy most adults want to live with.
mcbride addresses how the longstanding consequences of narcissistic motherhood affect one’s entire life, leading to dysfunctional roles such as over-achieving, self-sabotage, and difficulty in romantic relationships.
mcbride offers specific steps toward recovery from maternal narcissistic abuse, including acceptance, detachment, and self-esteem. however, he is careful to include a step toward understanding one’s narcissistic characteristics and addressing them before they are passed on to the next generation.
Conclusion: Victims of narcissistic mothers struggle with their relationships for life!
one of the first books i started recommending by an author who is not a licensed therapist was becoming shahida arabi’s narcissist’s nightmare.
Arabi’s personal experiences with narcissists and his research contribute valuablely to his analysis of narcissism and how our brains react when we are in an abusive relationship.
Like the pattern of addiction, arabi equates the narcissistic relationship with an addict’s relationship with his drug. His discussion of the biochemical bonds that work against the victim when she tries to free herself from the relationship explains the ups and downs that create the sensation of intoxication in these relationships and explains why they are so difficult to break free of.
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also offers 11 steps to healing from narcissistic abuse and discusses ways to break the biochemical and traumatic bonds that develop when we are abused. finally, arabi dedicates an entire chapter to the instruction of no contact with the narcissist, including 111 alternatives to break the no contact rule.
Conclusion: Narcissistic relationships are addictive relationships.
A few years ago, while researching a presentation on manipulative relationships, I came across childhood emotional neglect, or cen for short. Although the symptoms of cen are very similar to those of codependency, the cause of cen is somewhat unusual.
Raised in a family where parents are physically but not emotionally present, the Cen adult experiences symptoms including feelings of emptiness, feeling hopelessly flawed, and difficulty identifying, feeling, or expressing emotions.
How does this relate to narcissistic abuse? jonice webb describes how narcissistic parents can be a cause of cen. Additionally, we know that people who struggle with feelings of emptiness, low self-esteem, and issues with emotional intimacy are more likely to be targeted by emotional manipulators.
dr. webb discusses various ways to recover from cen. from understanding how to identify emotions and feelings to learning how to nurture ourselves, it creates a healing process that results in empowerment and interdependence.
Conclusion: Narcissists target emotionally vulnerable people.
Although not specifically a narcissistic recovery book, cloud and townsend hit the mark again with confident people. Because victims of abuse of any kind are unlikely to recognize someone who is emotionally abusive, the reader learns to identify the subtle traits an insecure person might have.
For example, common warning signs of insecure people include appearing to be “in control” of their lives, being arrogant rather than confident, and apologizing rather than changing their behavior.
Confident People not only discusses how to identify insecure people, but also offers guidelines on what to look for in confident people. cloud and townsend also reveal why it’s important to have safe people in our lives, as well as learning to be safe in our own lives.
Conclusion: Arrogance is not confidence!
references
arabic, yes. (2016). becoming the narcissist’s nightmare how to devalue and discard the narcissist while he caters to himself. new york, ny: scw archer.
behary, w. (2013). disarm the narcissist: survive and thrive with the egocentric. oakland, ca: new herald posts.
cloud, h., & Townsend, J. yes (2004). boundaries. big rapids, my: zondervan.
cloud, h., & Townsend, J. yes (2016). Confident People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid the Ones That Aren’t. big rapids, my: zondervan.
evans, p. (2010). the verbally abusive relationship: how to recognize it and how to respond. avon, mom: adams media.
hemfelt, r., minirth, f. b., & meier, p. d. (2003). love is a choice. nashville, tennessee: t. nelson.
mcbride, k. (2013). Will I ever be good enough?: Curing the daughters of narcissistic mothers. new york: rustic atria.
melody, p., miller, a. w., & miller, K. (2003). coping with codependency: what it is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives. new york: harpersanfrancisco.
thomas, s., & choy, c. (2016). healing from hidden abuse: a journey through the stages of recovery from psychological abuse. editorial mast.
webb, j. (2012). running on empty: overcoming the emotional abandonment of his childhood. new york, ny: morgan james publish.
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